How Narcissism and Toxic Patterns Kept Me Single for 10 Years: A Journey of Self-Awareness
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People often ask me why I’m still single, and for a long time, I’ve given different reasons, but after a lot of introspection and research this summer, I’ve come to a clearer conclusion: it’s because I have narcissistic tendencies.
Now, I’m not a narcissist, but certain behaviors show up in my romantic relationships that reflect a kind of emotional detachment. These tendencies have affected how I relate to others romantically. In fact, over the years, I’ve jokingly said, “I’m single because I’m an asshole.” But that doesn't really explain anything. It’s more complicated than that.
I'm an introvert. I like doing my own thing, and most of the time, I don't want or need constant interaction. But every now and then, I find myself intensely fixated on someone. Once I set my sights on them, I become consumed by this desire for conquest. It wasn’t about truly caring for them or knowing them deeply—it was about achieving that “win.”
Looking back, I realize that once I had these people’s attention, I would lose interest—sometimes even feel repulsed by them. In the beginning, I wanted to be close to them, but eventually, that faded. I’d lose the spark and find myself pushing them away emotionally, if not physically.
What I didn’t understand then, but do now, is that this pattern—this cycle of chase and boredom—was deeply rooted in these narcissistic tendencies. I was never conscious of it. It wasn’t malicious, but I see how it affected the dynamic.
On top of that, sexually, I wasn’t truly engaged either. I would often approach intimacy in a detached way—almost like I was just using their body for my own gratification. I wasn’t present or emotionally invested. As someone who identifies as greysexual, I don’t often feel a strong sexual attraction, but sometimes I found myself going through the motions of intimacy because it’s what society expects from relationships, rather than something I genuinely desired.
The self-awareness I've gained has led me to take a step back from romantic relationships altogether. I’ve recognized these narcissistic patterns, and I want to ensure that when I do enter into a relationship again, it’s in a healthier, more balanced way. I don’t want to keep repeating the same behaviors that have made relationships unsatisfying for me.
I think the most important relationship I have right now is with myself, and I’m okay with that.
