Thinking About Writing
You ever notice how so many personal success stories begin with a near-death experience? I used to find these stories annoying. But I was arrogant. I wondered why people would need such horrible things to happen to make changes in their lives. But when trapped in a years-long cycle that was getting me nowhere, only a life-threatening experience had the power to catapult me out. Now I know firsthand why these moments act as markers in our lives and our stories.
For years I had kept a day job while pursuing yoga teaching on the side. But when I felt like I was burning out, I fell back on my day job. The corporate job. The safe job. I dreamt of getting back to teaching one day. Perhaps online. That would be easier than driving to multiple yoga studios every day. But, at the end of the workweek, I was exhausted. And having a stable job kept me comfortable. Too comfortable. I’m embarrassed to admit how long I spent just thinking about reigniting my teaching career. Even all my planning, because I never acted on it, was thinking on paper.
But when my life was put in danger, the blanket of comfort was stripped away from me. It was the middle of the night. I was jolted out of bed. It was cold. Freezing-cold. And, as I stood there in only my pajamas and a robe, I wanted nothing more than to crawl back into bed, fall asleep soundly and have it all be over. But when all was said and done, still in a state of shock, falling asleep was more challenging than ever. I was now back in bed, in my room, in my apartment. There were layers between me and the rest of the world, yet I felt naked, exposed, wide open.
“My life flashed before my eyes.” That’s the phrase I hear used most often. Since my internal compass is pointed towards the future and not the past, quite the opposite happened.
I lay in bed, drifting off to sleep. My fear, however, pulling me back into consciousness. I was between realms, in a state of limbo as a cartoon began to play out in my mind. Two women were speaking:
What was she known for?
She was a writer.
Oh. A writer?
Well, not actually a writer. She thought about writing.
She thought about writing?
Yeah. But she did it a lot. She really thought about writing.
So she wasn't a writer but a "thinking-about-writing-er" hahaha
Exactly! She was a "thinking-about-writing-er" hahaha
It may seem like a random scene to play out. But it made total sense to me. I got closer to death than I ever had before, and my subconscious needed a way to send me a message that I was not on the right track. If the unimaginable had happened at that moment, I would not have achieved my purpose in life. But I already knew that!
Maybe you also know that you are not on the right track. I still am not going to ask you to put yourself in a life-threatening situation simply to gain clarity on your purpose. But you can envision the scene above playing out with you as the subject matter. What do you want to be known for? Is there something you'd like to do that you're simply thinking about? Imagine people hearing about your passing and then laughing at you because all you did was think about doing it.
I often ask the universe for clarity through visions because they tend to stick in my mind more than words alone. You think that after watching that scene play out, I just rolled over, grabbed my laptop, and started writing a masterpiece? No. I was traumatized. I was in a state of paralysis. For weeks I did nothing nonessential, including writing.
After establishing some normalcy after this "earthquake" in my life an aftershock set me back again. So I may have forgotten this message had it not been so ingrained in my mind. As I write this, I also wonder if this vision helped me more quickly overcome the trauma by reminding me that I have work to do.
Hmmm. So much to think about.
So much to write about.
Originally published on Wordpress on 6/16/2021
